Niubi! The Real Chinese You Were Never Taught in School

CHAPTER FOUR. Men and Women: Flirting, Dating, Love, and Marriage

It’s hard to be in China for long without noticing the prevalence of not terribly attractive Western men who seem to have inexplicably landed themselves a gorgeous Chinese girlfriend. Though I hesitate to offer any explanation for this phenomenon, I do find myself recalling an awful lot of conversations with Chinese gal-pals about their inability to tell westerners apart. I may or may not have told some of these women to be sure and introduce me to any prospective beaus before taking the plunge, so that I could distinguish for them the handsome men from the mugs that even a mother wouldn’t love.

Then again, maybe these women know exactly what they’ve gotten themselves into, as more than a few pragmatically minded Chinese women have counseled me on the importance of choosing someone “bald and fat”-the reasoning being that such mates will be less likely to cheat or leave you. And on top of all that, you never know what seemingly smoking hot girl is considered downright homely by Chinese beauty standards. I have pointed out plenty of what I thought to be beautiful women, only to have Chinese friends reply musingly, “Yes, it’s strange, my other Western friends think she’s hot too. We all think she looks like a peasant.”

But perhaps we should just be glad that cross-cultural blindness is enabling people everywhere to get laid. In this chapter, you’ll find all the vocabulary you need for flattering, cajoling, and hopefully landing a date-or more. But read with caution: dating in China is a whole new ball game. The essential thing to know is this: the woman wears the pants in the relationship. Though we certainly can’t stereotype every Chinese woman this way, should you as a Western male choose to embark upon a relationship with one, be prepared to pay for everything (possibly including her rent), call and text her ten times a day (being tied up in meetings at work all day is no excuse), secure her permission whenever you want to go out with the guys (it will not be granted), and always, always, carry her purse (no matter how shiny, pink, or Hello Kitty bedecked it may be). And should you Western women desire to learn the ways of Chinese dating, you’d better brush up on the art of 撒娇 sǎjiāo (sah jow)-a common, whiney way of acting that most westerners find maddening and Chinese presumably find cute-which essentially involves pouting a lot, speaking in the voice of a five-year-old, hitting your boyfriend a lot whilst calling him “so bad,” and, of course, making him carry your purse.

Finding Love

调情 tiáoqíng (tyow cheeng)

To flirt. Literally “throw feelings.”

挑逗 tiǎodòu (tyow doe)

To flirt. Literally “incite and tease.”

打情骂俏 dǎ qíng mà qiào (dah ching ma chyow)

A literary way to say “flirt” or “banter flirtatiously.” Literally “hit passionately, scold prettily” referring to the expression 打是亲骂是爱 dǎ shì qīn mà shì ài (dah shih cheen ma shih aye), which translates to something like “hitting is intimacy and yelling is love.”

吃豆腐 chī dòufu (chih doe foo)

Cop a feel. Literally “eat tofu.” When used between people of the same sex, it can mean “to bully,” either verbally or physically. Used mainly in southern China, Taiwan, and Hong Kong, though northerners generally know the phrase as well. Relatedly, “sell tofu,” 卖豆腐 mài dòufu (my doe foo), is a southern Chinese euphemism for prostitution.

泡妞 pàonīu (pow nyoo)

One of the most common slang terms for “hitting on,” “flirting with,” or “hooking up with” girls. Literally “soak a girl.”

钓凯子 diào kǎizi (dyow kigh dz)

To pick up men, to hit on a man. Literally “fish for men” or “fish for a boyfriend.” Originated in Taiwan and Hong Kong but known and used everywhere.

搭讪 dā shàn (dah shahn)

To chat someone up, to start up a conversation.

戏果戏孙 xì guǒ xì sūn (she gwuh she swen)

Beijing slang for “chasing girls and boys,” or for people who go to bars with the express intent of finding a guy or girl to hook up with. 果 Guǒ (gwuh) means “fruit” but is Beijing slang for “chicks” because with a Beijing accent it’s pronounced like 果儿 guǒr (gwerr). 戏果 Xì guǒ (she gwuh) literally means “play with chicks” or “trick girls” and is an old Beijing expression that means flirting with or hitting on girls. 戏孙 Xì sūn (she swen) literally means “trick boys” or “play with boys” and means hitting on or flirting with guys.

磕蜜 kē mì (kuh me)

Beijing slang for “chasing” or “dating” women. Literally “hunt honey.” Not as popular as xì guǒ (above).

扎蜜 zhā mì (jah me)

Beijing slang for “chasing women.” Literally “fool around [with] honey.” Not as popular as xì guǒ (page 56).

求爱 qiúài (chyoe aye)

Woo (intransitive verb). Literally “plead for love.”

追求 zhuīqiú (jway chyoe)

To pursue (transitive verb).

垂涎三尺 chuíxián sān chǐ (chway shin sahn chih)

Literally “drool three feet.” Said of something appealing that makes you drool. Mainly used in reference to food but can also be said of a girl.

眉来眼去 méi lái yǎn qù (may lie yen chee)

Literally “eyebrows coming and eyes going.” Describes flirtatious eye contact or just flirting in general.

电眼 diàn yǎn (dyinn yen)

Literally “electric eyes.” A popular term among young people to describe beguiling eyes-that is, eyes that give you an electric spark.

过电 guò diàn (gwuh dyinn) or 放电 fàng diàn (fahng dyinn)

To have an electric shock (in the sense of being attracted to someone). Literally “release electricity” and “pass electricity,” respectively. Can also mean to knock the table with your glass when toasting, instead of clinking glasses.

来电 lái diàn (lie dyinn)

Romantic spark. Literally “electricity comes.” Not having any chemistry would be 不来电 bù lái diàn (boo lie dyinn), literally “electricity doesn’t come.”

撒娇 sǎjiāo (sah jow)

To throw a fit, to act like a brat, to act coquettishly. The key thing to note in this definition is that acting coquettishly-that is, acting in a way that attracts male attention-is synonymous with acting like a brat.

耍单儿 shuǎ dānr (shwah dar)

Literally “play alone,” meaning “single” or “unmarried,” but also Beijing slang for dressing skimpily even though it’s cold out, just to look cute.

漂亮 piàoliang (pyow lyahng)

Pretty. Can be said of someone who’s actually pretty, like the girl next door, but is also said in response to anything impressive or amazing. This word is often used in sports-when a soccer player scores a goal, a westerner might say “Nice!” but in Chinese you often hear the sports commentators yell, “Pretty!”

美 mĕi (may) or 美丽 mĕilì (may lee)

Beautiful, good-looking. Can describe both people and things.

美女 mĕi nǚ (may nee)

Beautiful girl, beautiful woman. Often used as a flattering term of address.