The Schopenhauer Cure

«Yourfault—at thirteen? Come on!» said Bonnie. Others—Stuart,

Tony, Rebecca—nodded in agreement.

Before Gill could respond, Pam said, «I`ve got a response, Gill.

Maybe not what you`re expecting but something I`ve been holding back,

something I wanted to say to you even before I left on my trip. I don`t

know how to put it tactfully, Gill, so I`m not going to try—just going to

cut loose. Bottom line is that your story doesn`t move me one bit, and, in

most ways,you just don`t move me. Even though you say you`re revealing

yourself like Rebecca and Stuart did, I don`t experience you as

beingpersonal.

«I know that you`re committed to the group,” Pam continued. «You

seem to work hard, you take a lot of responsibility for taking care of

others, and, if someone runs out, it`s usually you that runs to get them

back. You seem to reveal yourself, but you don`t—it`s an illusion—you

stay hidden. Yes, that`s what you are—hidden, hidden, hidden. Your story

about your aunt is so typical of what I mean. Itseems personal, but it`s not.

It`s a trick because it`s notyour story, it`s your Aunt Val`s story, andof

course everyone is going to jump in and say, ‘But you were just a child,

you were thirteen, you were the victim.` What else could they say? And

your stories about your marriage havealways been about Rose, never

about you. And they always get exactly the same response from us,

‘Whydo you put up with that shit!`

«When I was meditating in India—bored out of my gourd—I

thought a lot about this group. You can`t believe how much. And I thought

about each person here. Except for you, Gill. I hate to say this, butI just

didn`t think about you. When you talk, I never know who you`re talking

to—maybe the walls, or the floor, but I never experience you as

speakingpersonally to me.»

Silence. The members seemed bewildered about how to respond.

Then Tony whistled and said, «Welcome back, Pam.»

«No sense of being here if I`m not going to be honest,” said Pam.

«What are you feeling, Gill?» asked Julius.

«Oh, just my typical feeling when I get a drop–kick to my belly—

spitting out a few pieces of pancreas. Isthat personal enough, Pam? Wait,

wait, sorry, don`t answer. I didn`t mean that. I know you`re giving me

good straight stuff. And deep down, I know you`re right.»

«Say more about that Gill, about her being right,” said Julius.

«She`s right. I could reveal more. I know that. I have things I could

say to people here.»

«To who, for example?» asked Bonnie.

«Well,you. I really like you, Bonnie.»

«Nice to hear, Gill, but it`s still not too personal.»

«Well, I got off on you calling me a hunk a couple of weeks ago.

And I don`t buy into your labeling yourself homely and so out of

Rebecca`s beauty league—I`ve always had a thing—maybe ever since

Aunt Val—about older women. And I`ll be honest, I had some juicy

fantasies when you invited me to stay at your place when I didn`t want to

go home to Rose.»

«That why you didn`t take Bonnie up on her offer?» asked Tony.

«Other stuff came up.»

When it became clear Gill was not going to elaborate, Tony asked,

«You want to say more about the other stuff?»

Gill sat for a moment, his bald pate glistening with sweat, and then

mustered resolve and said, «Tell you what, let me go around the rest of the

group and talk about my feelings.» He began with Stuart, who sat next to

Bonnie. «For you, Stuart, I got nothing but admiration. If I had kids, I`d

feel lucky to have you as their doctor. And what you described last week

doesn`t change any of my feelings.

«And you, Rebecca, tell you the truth, you intimidate me—you

seem too perfect, too pretty, too clean. What you told us about the incident

in Las Vegas doesn`t change that—to me you`re still pristine and spotless

with tons of confidence. Maybe it`s because I`m flustered now, but I can`t

even remember why you`re in therapy. Stuart`s image of you being a

porcelain doll—that rings true—maybe you`re a little too brittle, maybe

you got some sharp edges—I don`t know.

«And, Pam, you`re a straight shooter, blunt, smartest person I`d ever

met until Philip entered—he can give you a run for it. I know I don`t want

to get on the wrong side of either of you. But, Pam, you`ve got stuff to

work on with men. They`ve given you hard times, but then, again, you

hate us. All of us. Hard to know what`s chicken, what`s egg.

«Philip, you`re way up there, like, in another whole layer or...or

realm ofbeing. But I wonder about you. I wonder if you`ve ever had a

friend—I can`t see you actually hanging out, having a beer, talking about

the Giants. I can`t see you having a good time or actually everliking

anyone. And I`ll tell you the real question for me:why aren`t you lonely? ”

Gill continued on, «Tony, you`re fascinating to me, you work with

your hands, you really do things, not push numbers around like me. I wish

you weren`t so ashamed of your work.

«Well that`s everybody.»

«No, it`s not,” said Rebecca, glancing toward Julius.

«Oh, Julius? He`s of the group, not in the group.»

«What`s ‘ofthe group` mean?» asked Rebecca.

«Oh, I don`t know, just a cute phrase I heard and been wanting to

use. Julius—he`s just there for me, for everyone, he`s far above us. The

way he...”

«He?» asked Julius, pantomiming searching about the group.

«Where is this ‘he` guy?»

«Okay, I meanyou, Julius, the way you`re handling your illness—I

mean it`s impressive—I`ll never forget it.»

Gill stopped. Everyone`s attention remained riveted upon him, but

he exhaled with a loud «whoosh.» He looked as though he had had it and

settled back in his chair, obviously fatigued, and took out a handkerchief

and wiped his face and head.

Sentiments such as «good job, you took some risks» were voiced by

Rebecca, Stuart, Tony, and Bonnie. Pam and Philip remained silent.

«How was that, Gill? You satisfied?» asked Julius.

Gill nodded. «I broke some new ground. Hope I didn`t offend.»

«How about you, Pam? You satisfied?»

«I`ve already put in my time today as the group bitch.»

«Gill, let me ask you to do something,” said Julius. «Imagine a

continuum of self–revealing. At one pole, which we`ll call ‘one,` is the

safest revealing, cocktail party stuff; and at the other pole, call it ‘ten,`

would be the deepest and riskiest revealing you can possibly imagine. Got

that?»

Gill nodded.

«Now look back on your go–round just now. Tell me, Gill, what

kind of score would you give yourself?»

Continuing to nod, Gill answered swiftly, «I`d give myself a ‘four,`

maybe a ‘five`.»

Julius, wanting to circumvent intellectualization or other defenses

from Gill`s arsenal of resistance, responded instantly, «And now tell me,

Gill, what would happen it you were to ratchet up a notch or two?»

«If I were to ratchet up a notch or two,” Gill replied without

hesitation, «I`d tell the group I was an alcoholic and that I drink myself to

unconsciousness every night.»

The group was stunned, Julius no less than the others. Before he had

brought Gill into the group, he had seen him in individual therapy for two

years andnever, not once, had Gill mentioned an alcohol problem. How

could this be? Julius was congenitally trusting of his patients. He was one

of those optimistic souls who was greatly destabilized by duplicity; he felt

wobbly and needed time to formulate a new vision of Gill. As he mused